Cops Unleash Mini-Volcano During Routine Drug Test, Raising Eyebrows and Roofs

Posted On January 12, 2024 Charles Ramsay

WILLMAR, MN - In a scene straight out of "Breaking Bad" meets "Reno 911," two Kandiyohi County deputies managed to turn a routine drug test into a pyrotechnic extravaganza Thursday morning, leaving themselves with singed eyebrows and the Law Enforcement Center probably sporting a new skylight.

Apparently, mistaking a Ziploc bag of drugs for something more explosive (like tannerite perhaps), the deputies decided to apply the ol' "Field Test of Fun" - also known as lighting the unknown powder on fire and seeing what pretty colors it makes. 

Needless to say, the resulting miniature Mount Vesuvius eruption sent the officers flying like startled pigeons, leaving behind a singed carpet and a lingering question: who needs drug testing when you've got deputies who could give Richard Pryor a run for his money in the self-immolation department?

Sheriff Eric Tollefson, bless his bureaucratic heart, tried to spin the incident as a "stark reminder of the many potential dangers our officers face every day," conveniently omitting the part where those dangers seem to include an uncanny knack for turning routine procedures into Michael Bay action sequences.

Now, we aren't ones to judge (unless it involves questionable pyrotechnics and questionable decision-making by those sworn to protect and serve), but we couldn't help but notice a few curious details. 

Firstly, if drugs were the culprits, then one has to wonder what kind of "testing kits" these deputies are packing. Did they accidentally grab the "Mythbusters Ultimate Explosion Starter Pack" instead of the standard drug testing kit? (We checked, and the standard presumptive police officer drug identification kit is NOT flammable and presents no fire risk according to the material safety data sheet.

And secondly, the whole "lighting unknown substances on fire" routine seems a tad outdated, even for Barney Fife reruns. Maybe it's time for Kandiyohi County to invest in some less flammable testing methods, like, oh say, a chemistry lab or a trained drug-sniffing dog who doesn't have a penchant for spontaneous combustion.

So, while we applaud the deputies for their dedication to, uh, keeping the streets safe from... bath salts? we also suggest they lay off the lighter fluid and stick to less explosive forms of evidence gathering. 

After all, we wouldn't want another Law Enforcement Center roof to go the way of the dinosaurs, thanks to a rogue experiment in backyard volcanology. And who knows, maybe with a little less fire and a little more science, they might even manage to bust some actual drug rings without singeing their eyebrows in the process. Now, that would be a real public service announcement we could all get behind.

Just remember, folks: if you see a deputy with a Ziploc bag full of white powder and a Bic lighter, run. And maybe call the fire department, just in case. Safety first, even in the Wild West of Kandiyohi County.